June 27, 1999
Sunday 940am

There is something I have determined from an endless night of dreaming, about
Mary.  I had at least 4 dreams with her in them, with me trying to get her
back.  Each successive dream proved to be more and more a chance, with less
and less opposition.

What I have determined is that the forces of opposition that are pulling
Mary away from me are too strong to win against.  The harder I pull on her,
the more force they will have on her, and I will lose, only hurting myself
and Mary more in the process.  They have a tighter grip on her than I do,
and I will not get her back.  She is one of them now, and there isn't a
God damn thing I can do about it at this point.

It is becoming more clear to me each day that she is so suceptible to
forces.  Forces are what brought her back to me a year ago.  Forces are
what made her succumb to peer pressure and smoking.  Forces are what
made her bolemic.  Forces made her suicidal...  and forces eventually
took her away from me.  It is all bullshit.

Forces are what I create to push myself into the future.  Forces make me
stronger.  Forces are energy that make me stronger.  Mary is weak.
Mary will be swayed by any force that passes over her.   Tyler and Ryan and
all her "friends" emit forces that outpull on the ones I did, and I do not
have the power to get her back at this point.   She has crossed over to the
dark side and there isn't anything I can do at this point.

Goodbye Mary.  I will miss you.  I do miss you..   I miss the times we
shared together, I miss the love we created, I miss the physical closeness,
the imtimate moments.  The times in the car driving, and singing, and
laughing.   I miss everything about you.  I loved you.  You were the person
that defined beauty in my life.  That person is now gone, but that image will
forever be branded into my heart, and no one will be able to replace it.
You don't know how much it pisses me off that I will never again be able
to see that image in the flesh.  It makes me cry.

You are the woman that taught me how to love physically.  I want no other
woman than you to share those feelings with.  It saddens and angers me to
think you are sharing yourself with another man.  He will never be able to
understand these feelings.  He will enjoy himself, but it will not be
the same.  The mental power that you have brought out of me in our
physical closeness is one I will never ever be able to duplicate with any
other human being.  But, you have been taken from me by these people, and
will succumb to their selfish physical needs, and give up your body to
them.  God dammit.   When I made the promise to you that my body was only
and forever yours, I meant it.  And I thought that you did, too.  Those
are promises that do not become null and void if you break up.  We are
soulmates, I will never EVER deny that.  I am not going to let this stupid
force from the opposite direction mess that up.  You are the one who
connected me physically to you, and there is nothing that will take that
away.  I miss it, but I have to live with that absence.

I miss you...  but you do not exist anymore.  I want the nice, sweet,
innocent girl I had the ultimate pleasure of having around me for 6 months.
She has long beautiful light brown/dark blonde hair, beautiful blue
snowflake eyes, doesn't wear much makeup because she doesn't have to,
has an awsome figure, doesn't smoke or drink or do anything like that because
she knows it's stupid, and she knows it doesn't matter.  She knows she
is the image of perfection in my eyes.  She is somewhere, but not in Mary
anymore.  I want her back, but I am not going to fight for her anymore,
because I will lose.  I just have to stare at the Mary of today and cry
in my mind, because more and more I see the Mary I loved slipping away.
Yes, she is the same person, but it is not the same soul.

My dreams have reinforced the truth into my mind.
I love you Mary Mathis, my Snowflake.
My heart will always be open for you, when you get back.
Be careful, think of me if you can, and have a safe and happy journey in
that direction that I cannot follow in.  I will be waiting for you
in my reality.  I will be missing you.  I will be obsessing over your
perfection; the perfection I cannot see anymore.  I will be praying that
the people that are pulling on you can't crack your heart open and
tarnish the feelings we once shared.

I am becoming incoherent at this point, so I will stop for now.
Peace be with you, and I am sorry I let you go, but I am hopeful for
the moment you realize where you have ended up and why, and will come
back to me.

God I miss you.  My eyes are tearing at the thought of losing you forever.
I cannot think like that, because if I do, then you will too.

We are so much alike; we have become so close and so similar,
and you deny it everyday.  I guess our stubbornness was one of those
qualities we shared.  God dammit. :-)

bye for now,
Your soulmate,
Brian