I am going insane....

I am driving myself crazy...

I do not now how to handle a break up.

I never have... and this proves it.

I am going to see Mary, seeing her with her friends and boyfriend, and
driving off squealing my tires.

I know it only makes me look like a dickhead.  I know it does, and I
can't help it.

If I wasn't stupid, i would have walked over to her and her friends
and been cool, and introduced myself.  but now, my emotions come over me
and I flip.


I just wanted to see her, say hi to her, give her a hug.
I miss her so much.

I just want to hold her.

God, dammit, what is wrong with me.

I cannot accept the fact that she doesn't want me.  I just can't.
If I'm not careful I will drive myself to the grave with this feeling.

I want to know why she was looking for a new love behind my back.
I want to know why she never tried to work things out with me, I mean REALLY
work things out.

I want to know why she thinks me breaking up with her was because I didn't
love her...

I just want to know... I want to know that she still thinks about me.
I want to know that she still sees me and can smile.
i want to see the love in her eyes when I look at her looking at me.

But I will never see it, because I cannot control myself.
I am building up this rage and hatred, and I do not know who it is
directed towards.  It is in a way to Mary, and to me, and to everyone
involved.

I'm tired of being the one who loses.
I'm tired of losing these "battles"

I am tired of thinking that I am in a battle, when I know that it is
just with myself.

I hate her for doing this to me again.
I hate her....

then why I am I crying?

I lost her and she was right in front of me, and I fucking lost her.
I don't deserve this torment.
I don't deserve to live with this torment.
I don't deserve to live......

I want better.  I want to be happy with who I am.
I want others to be happy because of me.

I don't know why Mary was not happy with me.
I don't know why she had to find someone else.
I don't know why she had to use me as a crutch, and the second I
pulled away, for both of our benefits, she grabs onto someone else so quickly.

I feel cheated.
I feel lied to.
I feel used.

I FUCKINBG HATE THIS FEELINDG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I feel like getting revenge on her for what she has done to me.
I feel like gving up.
I feel like fucking someone just to piss her off.

I am not this kind of person, and she knows it.
She knows who the real Brian is.
She likes the real Brian.
She LOVES the real Brian.

Why is she driving the real Brian away from me...........................

I want the real Brian back.
i want to be happy.  I want to be happy and have Mary.
Mary is the woman of my life.
My whole life.

She always has been... and I do not want anyone else.

She has HURT ME SO MANY TIMES, each time worse... and I don't learn.
I want her, but she hurts me.

Why don't I learn....

GOD DAMMIT I WANT ANSWERS.  I NEED A FRIEND, A LOVER, and NOT MARY!!!!!!!!!!!

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I am so confused...  help me, please......