7-1-1999 1019am

God dammit Mary.

I just came from Wilson King, where Tim's computer has a defective power
supply.  The fan in the power supply intermittenly craps out, and makes the
computer get all hot and crash.  So, over a week ago, we ordered a new power
supply.  It was backordered, they were getting pissed, and FINALLY it came
in yesterday.  He asked me to come in ASAP Thursday morning.  I got
there @ 930am, took the machine, gutted out the old power supply, installed
the new one.. had to move the CDROM up one bay cause it was in the way.
Got it back together, plugged all the wires in, hit the power button ... and
nothing.

Tried it like 25 times, still nothing.

Took the computer, opened it up, took it apart again... checked the
connections.. nothing...   plugged just the main power from the old one
into the motherboard, worked.  After unsuccessfully trying to get the damn
thing to work, I gave up, and told him I had to put the old one back in.  So
I did that, and buttoned the machine up, and now it's the same God damned
problem still.

I felt like such a failure.  I hate having the pressure of people on top of
me, so I can understand why you hated me sometimes.  But, in my gloom, I
started to think I would stop at home, walk in, and see Mary on my computer
laughing and smiling -- her radiance would cheer me up....  then POP.  My
dream bubble was gone, and I returned to the reality that you took the one
thing away from me the one thing I always had to look forward to.

You are so mean, Mary.  I hate you because of it.  And I love you too, but I
can't get over that you made me so happy and then expected me to be able to
just get over it when it was gone.  I hate this feeling, Mary.  It is really
starting to piss me off.  I hate crying so much like I am right now.
Sometimes I think I'm just writing you to piss you off, but then the tears
start gushing out of my eyes and down my face, and I know it's real.

I want my Mary back...  but the problem is the Mary I am in love with
doesn't exist -- you made her up.  You did this to me.  Why did you do this
to me?..............  I will find anyone so perfect as the Mary I love, and
she's dead.  You took the first chance you had and killed her.  You
obviously NEVER cared about me.   I feel so alone, so hurt, so used...  and
all you can do is tell me you miss me too.  God damnit Mary.

I'm at the end of my ropes.

I've been doing a pretty good job trying to keep myself from feeling like
this, but you are way too important to me to forget about -- you are a part
of my life I am starting to realize more and more with it gone, that I can't
live without....  I'm sorry I was never like that for you.

And yes, some people are worth the headache... I know you were.

I love you.

Brian