decision 99 ----------- I am once again faced with a tough decision... Mary wants me back... I want her back, but we both still know that we need to be apart... ----------- The good things about not having her as my girlfriend... 1. I do not have to deal with her family (a Blessing in the last 3 weeks) 2. I do not have to deal with her friends. (another blessing) 3. I don't have to feel paranoid about talking to other people (girls) 4. If I find a girl attractive (like I always have) I don't feel guilty. 5. I can leave my house whenever I want, or the state for that matter. 6. I can get stuff done without interference 7. I wake up and get to the job at hand, and i go to sleep when I am tired. 8. I eat when I am hungry, and don't eat when I'm not. 9. I have become more self sufficient once again. same things have applied to Mary I guess (replace girl with guy and her with his)... The bad things about not having Mary as my girlfriend (stupid selfish reasons) 1. I worry that she will have sex with some other guy 2. She won't have sex with me. (good reasons) 1. she loves me for me, and having that taken away is really noticeable. 2. No friend to talk to or share experiences 3. no one to hold close to me, someone who reciprocates the feelings. Things about Mary now that I know I cannot change... but if I could I would. 1. She smokes 2. She wants a tatoo 3. She has a tongue piercing 4. She wears a lot of makeup 5. She dyed her hair. these are all stupid outward physical things that mean nothing... and yet I let them mean everything to me sometimes. I seriously think that I became way too obsessed with the physical Mary. .. and I still am now, and I DO miss her natural hair and face uncovered... I am so physically attracted to her... I need to find out if I am really in love with her mind, or just her body. I know we have a mental bond.. I know we do. I didn't even know what she looked like when I first fell in love with her, and I had to meet her. i just had to... The things she does that bother me, I have to accept as hers... hey, they're not mine... If she wants to smoke... she knows I hate it, but it is her body, her decision.. I do not want to control Mary. I was trying to before, and look where it got us. It is a gross habit, and I hate it. If she wants to get a permanent life-time scar tatoo on her body, dammed if I'm going to stop her... I think I became more of a parent to her than a boyfriend.. that's a no no. I was always watching over her, making sure she made the right decisions, and when she didn't I would criticize her, cut them down... and that just made things worse... it made her rebellious, more angry with me... I'm sorry, Mary. I want to be a boyfriend to you, NOT a father to you. So, from now on, do not ask me for approval on anything. Ask my opinion, but not my approval. And remember, I love Mary Mathis, the plain "normal" looking Mary. That Mary is the most beautiful Mary I have seen (physically). Mentally, I love the Mary who is confident and in control of her own life. I want to watch you make these strides, but I do not want to interfere. I think you should get your own apartment like you are on schedule to now. Do not move back in with me, cause if you do, I will make you be responsible for certain stuff, and then that conflicts with the relationship. -------------------------------- Things I am thankful for that Mary does not do.. 1. drink 2. pot (as far as I know) 3. hard core shit (acid, crack, cocaine, etc) 4. sleep with anyone besides me (as far as I know of) -------------------------------- I guess my main reason for taking her back would be because I do not want her to be with another guy, and that is really really wrong of me. My other reasons would be because she is so beautiful, and I am so attracted to her. Next reason is because I do care about her, and do worry about her, but I do trust her. It is hard to sometimes, but I try really hard to. She is a friend, which is good... but we need to be better friends to get a better relationship. Mary really needs to grow up a little more... nothing to do with her age. I have seen great strides in her over the last year... and setbacks... but she needs to do more. she needs to become self sufficient financially and emotionally. That is why I think she needs to get her own place, and hold down a full time job.. I think with those accomplishments she will be really happy, and build up the self confidence she needs -- we need for a long lasting relationship. As far as her "bad" points, I really have no control over them, and therefore should not worry about them... although I do.. that is my flaw. I pray to God that she stops smoking. It is sick. It makes me sick to think that she does it. She says she has no control over it, but I know that she knows that she does. She admitted that the hair and tatoo stuff was in spite of me... the hair thing I will live with. I don't know how I would react if she got a tatoo. My problem is I worship her body more than her spirit... which is bad. I look at her body and I melt. It is perfect. She is such a woman, such a turn on. Her body is the ONLY body I can get off on. Her body IS the definition of the perfect female form in my mind. I love it, and that's that... and that's why it pisses me off when she wanted more earrings, then a tongue piercing, then a belly thing, then a tatoo?.... and makeup, ugH! It is selfish of me, but I really wish she knew how much her body means to me. I am so fucking selfish, I should be shot in the foot. (knock on wood that I am not). As I watch Mary destroy this perfection, I get more and more angry with her for doing it, and then I get more and more dissapointed in her and then myself for thinking she was the one -- the perfect one... while I watch it be taken away from me... and I feel hurt, and used. I feel like I have been let down... or that I did not do enough to hold onto what i loved... hence the controlling from before which ended up driving her insane... she does not like it, and we conflict. It IS Mary. It is the one girl in the world who loves me and expects nothing in return. I used to be that way with her.... I want to be that way with her again. I love you, Mary. Trust in me that I will be everything you ever wanted... help me get there if I'm not... or just tell me how you feel. For you to be everything I want is material. My problem was that I was in love with the physical Mary, my prize.. my perfect woman... and you didn't like it, and changed... and on the surface of my mind I still think she is gone, and you don't know how badly I want her back... but me asking for her back is like me telling you to do everything I say, to be my individual instead of your own. I am so full of emotional internal conflict over you. I am tired, I am going to go sleep next to Mary... I feel complete next to her... I feel warm and secure. The part of my heart that was missing is back... I think I am confused a little, I just need more time to think about it. good night, Brian