June, 2000
With Vance DeGeneres and Jon Stewart

Vance (whispering):
After months of speculation, I can report that - 

Jon:
Vance, Vance, hold on a second, why are you whispering? Where are you?

Vance (whispering) :
I'm sitting inside Defense Sectary's Williams Cohen's office at the Pentagon.

Jon:
Wow! Oh my god! How did you get in there, Vance?

Vance:
It was fairly easy. I had this disguise.

Jon:
What was it? The beard?

Vance:
No, these sunglasses. I think the coast is clear. (takes of glasses and beard) Even as we're speaking right now, I'm accessing the database for the Pentagon's computer. Username? Vanceypants. Password? Allnightlong. There, Jon. I'm in.

Jon:
Oh my god, you're in the pentagon database?! What do you see, Vance?

Vance:
Jon, its actually quite incredible...descriptions of troop movements in Europe, plutonium stockpile sites...

Jon:
Oh my god, you're kidding me! What else is in there, Vance?

Vance:
Uh...the Nuclear Regulatory Commissions softball schedule though May 26th, and the Defense Sectary's prize winning recipe for carrot cake - oh my god! That recipe is a six generation family secret!

Jon:
Uh...Vance? Can I ask you something there?

Vance:
Yes...Jon, I just altered the Midwest weather satellite system to make it rain skittles over St. Louis.

Jon:
Skittles?! Vance, you know what? Wait a second...what's on that computer screen? Turn it around and show us, Vance.

Vance:
It's nothing, Jon...

Jon:
Turn it around and show us, Vance!! (Vance turns  the screen to the audience, and the website 'hamster dance' is on the computer) Vance, what is that?

Vance:
Hamster Dance...

Jon:
Vance, you're not even at the Pentagon, are you?

Vance:
No, I'm at my farm. (green screen turns to a farm scene, and a cow goes "moo!")

Jon:
You should be ashamed of yourself, Vance DeGeneres!



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