July 2000
With Jon Stewart & Steve Carell
Jon:
Several months ago, George W Bush promised that when he would reveal his
choice for Vice President, people's eyes were going to quote, 'light up'.
So...who was his choice?
(shows a clip of a conference in which George shows off Dick Cheney for the
first time)
Well, that didn't seem that exciting (pauses) I mean...
Oh,
he's good...
Yes, the announcement of Dick Cheney was made with fanfare in Austin,
Texas.
Bush Conference:
....I realized that the person who was best qualified to be my vice presidential
nominee was working right there by my side.
Jon:
Bush added, 'and once he took off his glasses and let his hair down, I also realized
that he was beautiful.'
Cheney was actually in charge of the vice presidential search committee and was
not interested in the position
because perhaps the fact that he has had three heart attacks -- two since the announcement.
Bush Conference:
Before I asked Dick Cheney to share the selection process, I had asked him if he
would consider being a candidate himself, at the time he said no. He had challenging,
demanding jobs at a worldwide company..
Jon:
That company? Avon Cosmetics. .... On Wednesday, Bush and Cheney will make a
trip to Cheney's home state of Wyoming, where they will become blood brothers,
show each other their pee-pees, and drink an acorn capful of each other's spit.
(adlibs) Did I just say 'Vice President' and 'pee-pee' in the same
sentence?
Now as we mentioned, Dick Cheney was in charge of the Vice Presidential Search
Committee, so with more on that we go to Chief Political Analyst, Steve Carell.
Steve?
Steve:
Thank you, Jon. Dick Cheney conducted an exhaustive study, interviewed dozens of
candidates, made background checks, and finally he compiled a make or break questionnaire,
all of which led Dick Cheney to a conclusion : Dick Cheney was the man for the
job.
Jon:
How does a questionnaire weed out possible candidates?
Steve:
It is a tremendously difficult process, and the GOP questionnaire was meticulously
prepared by Cheney. Question one : print your name. Question two : current
address. Jon, in no way are these questions optional!
Jon:
Yes, but can you skip ahead a little?
Steve:
Oh sure, Jon ... blah, blah, blah, Dick Cheney!
Jon:
Steve, is Dick Cheney looking to broaden the Republican consistency, or to
balance the ballot with these questions?
Steve:
I was getting to that, Jon, if you would just give me a second! There are certain
basic criteria every Republican must meet to be taken seriously. Take question
number twenty-five : are you not black, or are you not a woman? Jon, this weeded
three people out right there! Then there was question thirty-seven : do you
golf?
Jon:
How would Cheney finally narrow it down to ... Cheney?
Steve:
Jon, insiders believe that it could have been questions like this one : number
twenty-eight : is your name an anagram for 'Chicken Dye'. This is the one that
put Cheney on the short list, along with Minnesota's Cindy Chic! And questions
forty-five : when you go out on the streets, and people say 'hey, Dick Cheney!'
do you turn around and chat with them? This one was probably the clincher: when
you look in the mirror, do you see this?
Jon:
So, basically what you're saying is, McCain didn't want the job?
Steve:
Bingo.