August, 2004
With Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert

Jon:
...as you watch these speeches, son of a mill worker, son of a coal miner, son of a truck driver, goat herder, are they laying this on a bit too thick? Did it ring hollow?

Stephen:
Wow...that's pretty cynical, Jon. I for one connected with what they were saying. Then again, I myself am from humble origins. My father was a poor Virginia turd-miner.

Jon:
Um...I'm sorry?

Stephen:
He minded turds, Jon!! The rich turd veins that run across the Appellations. It's a hard life, up the crack of dawn, dad would go straight down in the hole, twelve, fourteen hour days, just to put food on the table. But, that was life in the turd belt. 

Jon:
Clearly they wanted something better for you.

Stephen:
No, Jon! Actually, they didn't! They wanted me to mine the turds! For them it was a great job. You see, my father's father was a goat-ball licker. 

Jon:
How is that a job?

Stephen:
You have to understand, in the olde country , the most important thing was to keep the goats happy. Now, as it turns out, the easiest way to do that was to lick the balls!

Jon:
I never realized that about your family before, Stephen.

Stephen:
It's true, Jon. It's all true. That's why I believe in the promise of America, that I, the son of a turd farmer, the grandson of a goat ball licker could one day leave those worthless hicks behind while using their story as my own credibility! Jon?



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