Conquerer of radio, television, books TWICE, and by February 1997 FILM!!!
Dear Howard/Gary, I am a computer programmer from Northern Virginia who has been an avid listener since 1982, when the Howard Stern Show was broadcast from Washington DC. Recent problems with Fred Norris have forced me to write this letter. Fred became upset two weeks ago, threatened to quit, and then didn't show up at your movie set, costing you time and money. The fact that "Howard Stern" the man, is responsible for everything and everyone that Fred has, is indisputable. However, what is more important, is Fred's lack of loyalty to the show, and to the fans of the show. His latest tirade proves that he is the weak link in the Howard Stern Show chain, and can't be counted on. I ask you, what would have happened if Howard had "quit" after leaving DC 101? What would have happened if Howard had left the radio business after being fired from NBC. What would have happened if Howard had given up after the FCC fines? The facts are-that Howard Stern is no quitter. Never has been. Never will be. And that is why America and the First Amendment will be forever in his debt. I'm sick and tired of Fred's irrational outbursts, infrequent as they may be. Gary has taken abuse for many years, but has shown up for work in a consistent and timely fashion. Jackie's persistent career failures and non-stop drug use have not kept him from adding his tiny part to the show. Robin's painful saddle sores, from both horse-back riding and being bent over her bathroom sink, have not kept her from showing up for work every single day. If Howard was Jesus, Fred would be Judas. There has to be a point where Howard begins to do some threatening of his own . Unsatisfactory employees need to be strongly warned, and if they don't improve, they need to be terminated. As a genius, Howard has done more for the common man than Albert Einstein has ever done. Whether a coworker likes the genius or not, that co-worker has a duty to further the work of the genius for the good of all mankind. Only a selfish, in-bred, backwoods jerk-off jackass would lose control like Fred did recently. It is not Howard's fault that Fred doesn't have the brains or balls to act like a man and simply say no to his wife's pornographic acting. I believe that Fred's wife wants him to say "no" when it comes to her dry humping strangers so that she can feel as though she was married to a real man. But this is not the case. The fact that Fred was the best looking woman on the inside cover of Howard Stern's book "Miss America" was no surprise. It is obvious that Fred's body is completely devoid of testosterone. This is apparent when viewing Fred's reaction to his wife trading spit with an actor while being filmed for the "E" show. Since Fred's hissy fit the previous week I have gone back and studied my old video tapes of the legendary Howard Stern Show that aired on channel nine and have come to the following conclusion: although the cast, crew and interns of the Howard Stern Show have lived lives that most fans could only dream of, those with the least amount of talent and skills continue their threats to quit the show. It was blatantly obvious those channel nine reruns that Fred's contributions have been minimal. Fred is dim-witted, unfunny, socio-pathic, boring, bland, ill-mannered, ill-bred trailer trash. Only Jackie and his acting ability take more away from the show. In conclusion, Howard Stern seems to be climbing the ladder of success three rungs at a time, and the fact that he is doing it while carrying 175 pounds of dead weight named Fred Norris strapped to his ankles only heightens his legendary status. I've just finished watching a channel nine episode that was a tribute to breasts. Only a genius like Howard would think of putting an undershirt on a statue of the Venus d' Milo and then throwing a bucket of water on it to see how the breasts and nipples show through. Brilliance, wit, and mischievous fun are just a few of the words that describe the man that is Howard Stern. Unfortunately, words such as unsophisticated, simple-minded, common, transparent, shallow, unworthy, and brutish accurately depict the hired lackey named Fred. I have included a multiple choice test designed to prove my assertions and observations about Fred's part on the Howard Stern Show. There are enough copies for everyone but only one answer sheet. Fred Norris Trivia Quiz 1. Which member of the Howard Stern Show has been photographed wearing a Nazi uniform as a youth, loves doing the voice impression of Kurt Waldheim, and has been videotaped with a Swastika drawn on his forehead thereby showing his anti-Semitism and hatred for all Jews, Hebes, Kikes, and more importantly half-Hebes? (a) Howard (b) Gary (c) Robin (d) Fred (e) Jackie 2. An "E!" camera close-up is most likely to expose a Neanderthal- like forehead and protruding simian brow on which of the following Infinity employees? (a) Jackie (b) Gary (c) Robin (d) Fred (e) Fred, Gary, and Robin 3. All of the following members of the Howard Stern Show have complete control of their spouses, EXCEPT (a) Fred (b) Jackie (c) Fred and Jackie (d) Howard, Fred, and Jackie (e) Fred, Jackie, and Gary 4. Fred Norris' contributions to the Howard Stern radio show include ALL of the following EXCEPT (a) dropping the carts (b) making simple BaBa-Booey references when operating the Gary puppet (c) imitating stuttering John's speech defect for the 8,354th time (d) strumming uncomplicated chords on the guitar while backing up Howard's singing (e) doing anything that would take talent, time, or effort. 5. Which of the following supposedly heterosexual males is completely unaware of the meaning of the following words: manhood, husband, protector, gonads, territory (a) Howard (b) Jackie (c) Fred and Jackie (d) Fred (e) Fred and Gary 6. Which racist member of the Howard Stern Show hates Jews and Blacks so much that he married a woman whose maiden name is the same as a now famous L.A. detective? (a) Gary (b) Jackie (c) Fred (d) Howard (e) Tom Chiusano 7. Fred Norris will have accomplished which of the following by December 31, 1996: (a) Divorce his wife (b) Quit the Howard Stern Show (c) Walk off the "Private Parts" movie set while filming. (d) Simply threaten to do (a), (b), and (c). (e) Contract AIDS from his wife. ANSWERS FOR FRED NORRIS TRIVIA QUIZ 1. The correct answer is (d). The residents of the former Soviet state of Latvia were famous Jew haters, as were all Russian Orthodox Christians. Fred's Nazi-sympathetic blood flows strong, and he needs to be watched closely as Howard's showbiz success brings him into closer contact with the Hollywood Hebes. 2. The correct answer is (d). The first choice (a) is incorrect because Jackie only has the intelligence of prehistoric man, while retaining the facial features of modern day man. Choice (b) is incorrect because Gary has the teeth, gums, nose, and hair similar to a gorilla, but has a somewhat normal upper facial area. Choice (c) is incorrect as well. While having a wide flat nose with nostrils big enough to hide a couple of bananas, and her willingness to accept her mate from behind puts her within arm's reach of the chimpanzee family, her facial structure is quite normal. Since choice (e) is incorrect for the previous reasons, the only remaining choice is (d). Fred Norris' anterior cranial skull is very pronounced. In fact if a bucket of water were poured on his head, his face below his eyebrows would never get wet. T his is a sure sign that Fred has limited mental faculties, and explains his threats of violence against any caller who brings up his marriage problems. Upon his death, his skull should be donated to a local college for use in anthropological studies. 3. The correct answer is (e). Jackie's wife can be considered out of control because Jackie has not forced her to supplement his meager income by getting a real job outside of his small sphere of influence (i.e. sorting out the checks for his CD's). Gary's wife can be considered out his control because she made the decision to continue smelly toothy gene pool by having Gary's �hild, and Gary let her. Fred's wife is out of his control because he has been unable to keep her saliva out of other men's mouths. 4. The correct answer is (e). Fred's employment with Infinity Broadcasting has been profoundly dull. His on-air ad-libs provide no entertainment value whatsoever, and his off-air personality can probably be compared to a cosmic black-hole sucking the life and light out of every living thing within a two mile radius. 5. The correct answer is (d). This question is painfully easy. Fred Norris has basically allowed his wife to become a walking talking sperm bank. The 2 minute and 32 second kissing scene of Fred's wife and that wop actor from "Tony and Tina's Wedding" is arguably the longest kiss ever filmed with the husband looking on with a stupid smile on his face. The only possible next step for Allison Norris is actual penetration on stage. 6. The correct answer is (c). Allison Norris' maiden name is Furman. 7. The correct answer is (d). While we all know that justice would be served if Fred did get AIDS from Allison, the odds are that he will simply get Herpes. Therefore (e) is incorrect. And since we know that Fred does not have the backbone to do (a), (b), or (c), the only remaining answer is (d).