7-2-1999 to mary

I am still in pain knowing that you are purposely forcing yourself to ignore
the love we have...  that deep down in your heart and soul you have true
emotion for me, but on the surface you push it away -- oppress it.  I don't
know why you do that.  You make things harder on yourself, and me. I don't
know.  I tried to do it, but I had no reason to.. it was all based on
non-truths.  I cannot force myself to not love you, I cannot.  You have more
power than me if you can.   I hate this.  I don't know why you're doing this
to me.  I don't know why you're doing this to yourself.  I don't know why it
has to be "not right" and why you can't make it right. Seriously and
honestly, you are the one that is breaking up with me.  I have never
detached myself from you the way that you are trying to force yourself to do
with me.  My intentions are good.  I am not going to deny the feelings I have
for you.  I cannot understand why you do that. In your sleep, your
subconscious spoke.  It was scared, and frightened.  It didn't want me to go,
and you're making me go away.  Your mind couldn't even remember my name.
You had to think about it for so long.. and then, you remembered, and
remembered everything... and everything was okay.  You grabbed my arm and
hand and wouldn't let me go.  I felt so loved by you... but it wasn't you
was it.  You were so happy, and warm, and tender, and loving and caring
towards me last night.  I was crying, but for once because I was happy.  You
told me that you were mine and only mine, and that I am the one who loves
you.  You told me I am the one who calls you "mare mare".  I was so happy to
hear you say all this.  You DO NOT understand how happy I was. Of course,
then you woke up and were trying to avoid me. Why, Mary? Why do I have to be
tortured like this...  why do you torture yourself. some things you need to
clarify a little more for me, even if you already have.  I need to soak a
lot of stuff in... I love you, Mary... I wish you wouldn't deny me that. But
I can understand some of the things you have been doing, and how you are
happier...  if it is because I am not in your life, then tell me, and I will
leave you alone.  I don't want to go where I am not welcome, but for you I
will fight -- I am not giving up without reason.