I saw Private Parts!
Here's the long and boring story...
The Edge (WQBK 103.9fm Albany) was giving
away tickets to the Albany premiere all week. I was
trying to call in to win them, always coming so close to winning but never
actually. So, it's Wednesday morning and Todd Shuman says "To win the last
pair of tickets come down to Crossgates Mall bearing your Edge at 5 o'clock.
At 6 we'll draw a name for the tickets, and one for a standee". So, I went
to their webpage, saved the logo, printed it out, and taped it to a hat and
t-shirt. I get there with my friend Triffid at 5:50, fill out the entry form,
take some free stuff, and anxiously await the drawing. Up to the entrance
of the movies on the third floor. Todd draws name number one, not me. Then,
he draws for another pair of tickets that he "just found". Not me. Some
guys who were WAY OVER DRESSED storm of cursing. Triffid and I were laughing.
We stick around cause I know he said they were going to give away the rare
soundtrack-CD that was only given to radio stations. Todd comes back around
5 minutes later and says he just got another pair of tickets, and would give
them to whoever could do the best Ben Stern impression. He asked for
volunteers, some guy steps forward and says "shut up sit down", wasn't great.
Another guy tries it. Then, I raise my hand, step up to the mike, say "I
told you not to be stupid you moron". Todd says "I think we have a winner!
Hands down the best! Do you have anyone with you, cause he'll be happy
to know you got him into the premiere to Private Parts!" Great! I won! He
hands me the passes and Triffid and I walk in and get seats to the theater.
Everyone crowds in within the half hour we wait. Around 7pm Todd comes in
and tells everyone to look under their seats. The station put about 10
envelopes under selected seats, in them are the names of what they won.
Some people won the radio-station copy of the CD, some got movie passes,
and dog-tags. Todd then said he'd give a copy of the CD to people who can
do the best impression of Jackie Martling. I, of course wanting the CD, waved
my arms and he said come on up. Me and 3 others were up in front of the
movie theater in front of about 300 people, it was great! The first guy
does his impression, then the second, third, then me. I was debating whether
or not to do a "nigger" joke I've heard Jackie do but I didn't want to get
my ass beaten after the movie, so instead I said in my best Jackie voice
"Hey! I'm Jackie the Jokeman! This sucks! Why am I only in the movie for
two seconds! They should make a movie about me!. Howard should pay
me more! This sucks!" Everyone was laughing with my jokes, the other guys
didn't do jokes except the second who recited one of Jackie's jokes. I
thought I had it. The guy next to me said to me he thought I'd win too.
Todd started with me for the voting, and ended with the first guy, who won.
Oh well. After that, he said "Head's Up!" and threw about 10 of the
dog-tags into the crowd. Finally, the time was here. Todd introduced
himself like on the radio and said "You guys have been great, and like I have
to do on the radio -- here's Rocky in the Traffax Command Center". Rocky's
voice comes on talking about the traffic to Crossgates Mall for the premiere,
saying Fuck and Shit which were bleeped. It was okay funny, Triffid didn't
get it, probably because he doesn't get the radio show. Everyone in the
audience was so enthused. People yelling "F The FCC!" and "F Timmy". Each
"F" was followed by an even funnier one. It was great! "F Penelope
Chiusano!" was my contribution. Then, the lights go down and the coke
commercial with Sylvester Stallone and Tom Arnold starts. People were
yelling "F Sly!" and "F Rosanne!" It was great!... but I've said that
already! The previews start, everyone eventually quieted down, still the
occassional "F-someone!" chant. The movie started and everyone shut up...
...When the movie ended, people started to leave, but, if you've listened
to the radio show you know there are scenes during the credits. I guess they
didn't know this. I won't give them away for those who haven't seen the
movie, but I'll give you a hint -- scenes from the commercials are in them.
Howard, keeping the story consistent although making some alterations for
drammatic effect, made a great movie -- one that will be around for a long
time! All the acting was genuine, from Howard to Robin to Alison (played by
Mary McCormack). Even the kids who played Howard at his other ages were
great. Hell, Jackie was great! The guy who steals the show though HAS TO BE
FRED NORRIS. There were some absolutely comedicly perfect scenes that Fred
stole, especially the constantly mentioned "bath-tub" scene! Private
Parts kicks ass! It was just like Howard and everyone has been saying.
It has a good story, it flows very well, and you can't believe its over when
it ends! I went again on Friday to see this movie, and probably will go see
it 5 more times! The funny thing is, my friend who was with me seemed to be
laughing more than I was. I think it has to do with the fact that I know
Howard and have read the book, so I was always thinking "Hey, I remember
that!" and "No, Howard's hair wasn't like that when this happened... or was
it?", therefore critiqueing every scene according to the book, however the
second time I watched it it seemed I did this less. This is why I urge all
non-fans to go and see this movie as well!!!! You will love it, and learn a
thing or two or three-thousand about Howard. TRUST ME -- my mother hates
Howard, but I know if I can convince her to go she'll love it! If you can
look past the fact that it's Howard Stern, and watch it for what it is: a
comedy movie, then you will totally understand Howard once the movie is
over, leaving the theater happy and having excercised your diaphragm from
all the laughing!
The movie is rated "R" for nudity and cursing
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